If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
