just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
