lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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