You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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