what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize