I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
