I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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