I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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