hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
