Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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