okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
