I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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