I smell stomach acid.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize