cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
