I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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