I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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