It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
