first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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