There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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