I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
