dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
