i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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