I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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