i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
