I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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