haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
