then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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