i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
