Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize