The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
