My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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