when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
