Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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