First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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