I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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