i already hear my dad disowning me
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
not ubering you a puppy
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
how does that bad decision feel?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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