remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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