is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
