She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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