go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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