Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
