Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
