I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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