Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
