I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
