My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
