my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
