thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
