I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
