I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
