so explain again why im purple
no
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
