from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
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