so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
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