the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We need to get me chipped asap
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
