I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
