The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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