The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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