Betty ford says i'm here all night
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's official drugs can't kill me
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize