He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We need to get me chipped asap
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
