Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
